23nd October 2011

23rd October 2011. I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that mr pornstar himself called and ask if i would like to sleep over at his place. He had this really husky, overly masculine (think a really manly lady gaga, if that's even possible) voice that totally threw me off guard, and left me panting in my dream. And if i were to be remotely honest here, i was slightly turned on by it. Something about that demanding tone in his voice managed to stirred up fire within me. It wasn't enough to make me break-dance (which i normally do if i'm overly strung up), but it did shake me awake, sweating and dizzy. Gawd, what is it with him that always makes me go all stupid and retarded? Well, according to sister bliss, its definitely not his dance moves. He dances like a robot on steroid; repetitive and beatless. I must agree though, she has a point. The boy can't dance for peanuts. There was once when we were in a club and we bump into him on the dance floor, he was in this dance/trance moment that totally scared the devil out of us. Nevertheless, i did when home with him that night and had sex. And i must admit, out of the many guys that i have been with (two to be exact), he was probably the best i've ever had. The other two were over achievers that just went for it as if their life depends on it. He just couldn't give a rat ass about achieving anything besides the pure pleasure of sex itself. Ohkay, now this is really turning my post into something mills and boons would write. Gawd, do you guys remember mills and boons with their always-topless italian man and scantly dressed sluts on the cover? I used to steal my mum's copy and hide behind the door reading it. It was like playboy on words. And for a thirteen-year-old boy leaving in a rural beachfront town, it was a big deal. Even bigger than when the local band comes to town to shoot their music video where thousand of his friends ditch school and try to catch a glimpse of the band, he was tuck nicely at the back of the library with a bigger than life chemistry textbook reading away. Not the textbook but his mum's copy of mills and boons placed on top of it, hidden from everyone else but he and his daydream.

Wow. The clouds outside the window are like china. Vast, and endless into the horizon. Ohh. I'm on a plane again, this time back to my concrete city. My work in the mainland is done and i'm well on my way back to enjoy whatever sunday i have left. Hmm. This trip has been rather therapeutic. I get to spend a day by myself, wandering in the city, finishing up errands and having meals alone. It does sound sad as i type, but the truth was it was kinda liberating to say the least. I was once able to be me in a foreign environment without the constant need to make sure everyone and everything is well taken care of. I didn't have this feeling when i was traveling alone in busan or goldcoast. I guess i had grown up a little over the course of this year, and i'm finally comfortable to be in my own company. I no longer am constantly on the edge. I have learned to chill, like how macro always asks me to. Ahh, marco again. He did leave a big scar in me that will take another greater person to erase it away. How do i even explain marco? I dunno know. I'll think about it the next time i blog a post. Now, please excuse me while i stare out of the window into the fluffy baby blue clouds, as i bath in the warm of a summer sun daydreaming (again) about absolutely nothing at all. Ahhh..

22nd October 2011

22nd October 2011. I had the most horrible time falling asleep last night, knowing that i would need to drag myself up again at 6am to catch my flight to Guangzhou. Yup, i'm heading back to the mainland again. But this time it’s just for a day, and then i'll be back to my concrete city again. Now, warmly tuck underneath a blanket in a corner on the plane, i'm still wide-awake. My eyes are tired from the 27hrs shoot that i had on Thursday, but yet I’m staring silently into the clouds without a blink of dozing off. The sky looks at ease from up here. Well, it always does. And that's one of the reasons why i always choose to have the window seat. That, and also because i really don't want to be caught seating in between two noisy aunties thru out the flight as they loudly discussed their glory younger days and how man is never the same since the invention of television. Well, ladies, they change because look at you; you let it all go after the marriage. You let all that was important to him go as you slave away behind the stove trying to master the art of making crème burlee while all he need was to come home to a wife that pamper him with lipstick kisses and teary glares. Fuck the crème burlee for all that cares, coz' you can easily get it off a street side bakery these days, and it still taste as if it was homemade. The man need to know he married a trophy wife, and not a prune who complains how the grocer never have fresh tomatoes, or how she never seem to find the fish she wants from the recipes she read in the cook book every time she try to be adventurous and be julia child. Don't get me wrong, i am not here to lecture you about the art of being a wife as i would be the least perfect person to do so seeing that i am gay and i think of sex every 10 minutes, but the fact is, i am here to let you know that one should never let that sparkle in him or her go and compromised with what life has to offer. We make our own decisions. We make our own destiny. We make our own dreams. Life is what we make it to be. It’s us who knows what we want and need. Don't let the great unknown tear you down and cornered you into believing that faith was biasedly given to just the lucky few. Its not. We are responsible for how we mold our life into, we are the one who determine what we allowed into our life and how we want it to be. We are the shaper of who are we. We are the gods within us.

Ohh.. hello mr bubble butt steward who keep staring at me from behind the trolley. Nice of you to ask me how much my ipad was, and to enlighten me on how the ones in australia are selling way more expensive than those in kuala lumpur while all i know what you really want was to have a raunchy good time with me in the laboratory. Haha. Talk about self-confident. Gawd, when have i become this narcissist cow who thinks every man want to have sex with him. Must be the wine i keep asking from the stewardess every time she walks along my aisle. There should actually be a limit on how much wine is allow for a passenger without him making a fool of himself unknowingly in a plane full of cabbage smelling mainland chinese people. Cabbage smelling mainland chinese people? What? Ohkay that was shallow. Maybe i should just shut up and catch up on some much-needed sleep, as how marco likes to remind me of. Ahh, marco. We'll talk about you more next time. Right now, i need to sleep. Good night.