10th December 2011

A part of me die knowing that you're suffering, and there's nothing i could do that the pills can't. I now remember why i hate december so much. I lose a little bit of you every time december comes around, and i don't know how much more i will have left of your every time. They say it will be over soon and that it will only get better, but the truth is, it never does. It never goes away. Or gets better. They sedate you so much that half the time you are either not yourself or asleep, and when you do fight it and comes around, its only a night long before i have to give you back to the meds.

Its been awhile now since you came back to visit me. Please come home, and stay home. And don't ever leave me cause this little boy still wants his ma to be around.

23nd October 2011

23rd October 2011. I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that mr pornstar himself called and ask if i would like to sleep over at his place. He had this really husky, overly masculine (think a really manly lady gaga, if that's even possible) voice that totally threw me off guard, and left me panting in my dream. And if i were to be remotely honest here, i was slightly turned on by it. Something about that demanding tone in his voice managed to stirred up fire within me. It wasn't enough to make me break-dance (which i normally do if i'm overly strung up), but it did shake me awake, sweating and dizzy. Gawd, what is it with him that always makes me go all stupid and retarded? Well, according to sister bliss, its definitely not his dance moves. He dances like a robot on steroid; repetitive and beatless. I must agree though, she has a point. The boy can't dance for peanuts. There was once when we were in a club and we bump into him on the dance floor, he was in this dance/trance moment that totally scared the devil out of us. Nevertheless, i did when home with him that night and had sex. And i must admit, out of the many guys that i have been with (two to be exact), he was probably the best i've ever had. The other two were over achievers that just went for it as if their life depends on it. He just couldn't give a rat ass about achieving anything besides the pure pleasure of sex itself. Ohkay, now this is really turning my post into something mills and boons would write. Gawd, do you guys remember mills and boons with their always-topless italian man and scantly dressed sluts on the cover? I used to steal my mum's copy and hide behind the door reading it. It was like playboy on words. And for a thirteen-year-old boy leaving in a rural beachfront town, it was a big deal. Even bigger than when the local band comes to town to shoot their music video where thousand of his friends ditch school and try to catch a glimpse of the band, he was tuck nicely at the back of the library with a bigger than life chemistry textbook reading away. Not the textbook but his mum's copy of mills and boons placed on top of it, hidden from everyone else but he and his daydream.

Wow. The clouds outside the window are like china. Vast, and endless into the horizon. Ohh. I'm on a plane again, this time back to my concrete city. My work in the mainland is done and i'm well on my way back to enjoy whatever sunday i have left. Hmm. This trip has been rather therapeutic. I get to spend a day by myself, wandering in the city, finishing up errands and having meals alone. It does sound sad as i type, but the truth was it was kinda liberating to say the least. I was once able to be me in a foreign environment without the constant need to make sure everyone and everything is well taken care of. I didn't have this feeling when i was traveling alone in busan or goldcoast. I guess i had grown up a little over the course of this year, and i'm finally comfortable to be in my own company. I no longer am constantly on the edge. I have learned to chill, like how macro always asks me to. Ahh, marco again. He did leave a big scar in me that will take another greater person to erase it away. How do i even explain marco? I dunno know. I'll think about it the next time i blog a post. Now, please excuse me while i stare out of the window into the fluffy baby blue clouds, as i bath in the warm of a summer sun daydreaming (again) about absolutely nothing at all. Ahhh..

22nd October 2011

22nd October 2011. I had the most horrible time falling asleep last night, knowing that i would need to drag myself up again at 6am to catch my flight to Guangzhou. Yup, i'm heading back to the mainland again. But this time it’s just for a day, and then i'll be back to my concrete city again. Now, warmly tuck underneath a blanket in a corner on the plane, i'm still wide-awake. My eyes are tired from the 27hrs shoot that i had on Thursday, but yet I’m staring silently into the clouds without a blink of dozing off. The sky looks at ease from up here. Well, it always does. And that's one of the reasons why i always choose to have the window seat. That, and also because i really don't want to be caught seating in between two noisy aunties thru out the flight as they loudly discussed their glory younger days and how man is never the same since the invention of television. Well, ladies, they change because look at you; you let it all go after the marriage. You let all that was important to him go as you slave away behind the stove trying to master the art of making crème burlee while all he need was to come home to a wife that pamper him with lipstick kisses and teary glares. Fuck the crème burlee for all that cares, coz' you can easily get it off a street side bakery these days, and it still taste as if it was homemade. The man need to know he married a trophy wife, and not a prune who complains how the grocer never have fresh tomatoes, or how she never seem to find the fish she wants from the recipes she read in the cook book every time she try to be adventurous and be julia child. Don't get me wrong, i am not here to lecture you about the art of being a wife as i would be the least perfect person to do so seeing that i am gay and i think of sex every 10 minutes, but the fact is, i am here to let you know that one should never let that sparkle in him or her go and compromised with what life has to offer. We make our own decisions. We make our own destiny. We make our own dreams. Life is what we make it to be. It’s us who knows what we want and need. Don't let the great unknown tear you down and cornered you into believing that faith was biasedly given to just the lucky few. Its not. We are responsible for how we mold our life into, we are the one who determine what we allowed into our life and how we want it to be. We are the shaper of who are we. We are the gods within us.

Ohh.. hello mr bubble butt steward who keep staring at me from behind the trolley. Nice of you to ask me how much my ipad was, and to enlighten me on how the ones in australia are selling way more expensive than those in kuala lumpur while all i know what you really want was to have a raunchy good time with me in the laboratory. Haha. Talk about self-confident. Gawd, when have i become this narcissist cow who thinks every man want to have sex with him. Must be the wine i keep asking from the stewardess every time she walks along my aisle. There should actually be a limit on how much wine is allow for a passenger without him making a fool of himself unknowingly in a plane full of cabbage smelling mainland chinese people. Cabbage smelling mainland chinese people? What? Ohkay that was shallow. Maybe i should just shut up and catch up on some much-needed sleep, as how marco likes to remind me of. Ahh, marco. We'll talk about you more next time. Right now, i need to sleep. Good night.

I Slept Like A Log Instead..

Day #28 in Kai Ping, Guangzhou. The supper from last night sits comfortably in my stomach like a brick as i lug myself out of bed. If i close my eyes i can still feel the warmth of yesterday's night with its glittering hawkers stalls and loud laughters. Today we are traveling back to Guangzhou. Another three hours on the road, and the castles of Majianglong would become just a memory.

I secretly wish i dreamt last night. I thought being wrapped up in this historic backdrop with its rough texture of life would be inspiring, but no, i slept like a log instead.

Here are some of my favourite shots of Guangzhou :D

I'm not very blog-worthy lately. Words don't flow that smooth anymore. Dunno why.

I Crave You

Day #27 in Guangzhou, chickity China. Today i'm on my way to Kai Ping; a forgotten town southeast of Guangzhou. I heard wong kar wai was just there finishing his three years film project, on yet another ipman memoir. I wonder how much more story can they squeeze out of the poor man before the world gets bored and moved on to another kungfu superhero. Better still, i wonder when will hollywood do an ipman version of their own, and screw it up with zac efron or that harold guy from harold&kumar as the lead. I wonder when..

The endless drive across the gloomy morning sky was rather a depressing trip this morning. Spread across a vast landscape of paddy fields and fruit trees were tiny villages of not more than ten brick houses, each a little fairy tale of its own. I see chimneys burning a sky of clouds as mothers prepare breakfast for her child before the little ones cycle off to school. I see fathers sitting outside the house, enjoying his last puff of cigarette before work starts for the day.

I do sometimes crave for life simplicities like this.

Wong Kar Wai's Filming Set :D

Today I Shall Curse

Thanks. I really need that, you @#&*/!!!

Free Range

Some days i feel like this. Today is one of those days. Hmmph.

Random Nothing

Mind Games

Sometimes i think the mind is built to torture the life it belongs to. Truth is, responsibilities had kept me sane. I thank god everyday i still have that; responsibility, not my sanity. Although sometimes i secretly wish i don't have both. Wouldn't it be better to live a life worry-free in an institution than going thru hell everyday with worries and unexplained feelings?

'SuperMods Enter Rehab' by Miesel for July 2007 issue of Vogue Italia

I'm not going to be bitter

I cried a bit in the shower this morning. I guess i had to. People mourn over death; i do it for flings too. For the coming week or so, i'll probably be as cheerful as a death choir. You'll catch me daydreaming behind the fire escape and i'll most likely lose all my appetite for life, but i'll get over it eventually. It always does. A proper closure, some would say.

Why did i let myself go that far is beyond me. The only logical explanation i could devolve out of it is that, being single for x* amount of time has totally screwed up my whole self control; my inner james dean coolness as i would like to tweet. I ended up putting myself at the edge of the cliff and dive heads on into a pretend relationship only i am aware of. Some would say delusional, jessica puts it as thinking with a cock.

What i hate most was coming up to you three saturdays ago, throwing myself out like a kitten on heat and totally, utterly turn into a justin beaver fan on strike.

And just for the spike of it, sex was only mediocre to say the most. Those porn star moves of yours are a tad too fancy for real life sex, so i would suggest you lay it off infinitely. What i'll prolly missed most are your kisses. Oh, and those early morning urges. Damn.. now i need to go down to a nudie bar and actually pay someone for sex. Hmmph.

Somehow i feel so much better now.

* A duration that's far too long to be single. In fact, its down right shameless.

Ohh wow, that's a really big photo of myself. Blogspot glitch, i guess? :P

Mulberry Spring/Summer 2011 Short Film

Need another reason why i lurve.. lurve.. LURVE the arrival of spring?

Coco Rocha for John Lewis

I'm liking the whole pastelly/retro-ish/mad man inspiration captured in john lewis' spring/summer 2011 lookbook featuring the lovely coco rocha. I especially adore the colours in these shots and is simply over joy with the return of storytelling in editorial.

Don't you just *heart* cherry blossom? Spring is here again folks!!

Bieber Fever

I haven't forgotten about you guys. I'm just a bit busy. Hang on there k :)

Little Ashes

Little Ashes. A glimpse into the forbidden love affair of spain's acclaimed duo; surrealist painter Salvador Dali and poet Federico Garcia Lorca, that tested the conservative morality of their time. For art idiots like myself, Salvador Dali is best known and loved for painting the melting clock that hangs on a dried tree branch in 'The Persistence of Memory'. Portraying the eccentric man himself was indeed a graveyard trip for twilight heartthrob, robert pattinson, but he did it with such flare that had me knickers twisted in a knot even the best boy scout could not help untie!

And if team edward is not exactly your cuppa, another gem that will have your heart racing like school girls on steroid is the spanish actor that played Federico Garcia Lorca; Javier Beltran. His accent in the film alone is enough of a reason to have me adding all #2843 javier beltran's on facebook, hoping one of them is him and i could finally put those restraining order against me to rest. *i still don't understand the nonsense why i have to be 50 yards away from my javier beltran at all times. Maybe the judge doesn't know that he's me lover, me soul mate and he's the one i would spend me life with eternally...