Decisions

I guess everyone is alone at some point in their lives. Its the part and parcel that comes with being born, alongside the trust fund of responsibilities that get thrown at you on your seventeenth birthday. I was never truly alone until now. I mean, ya when i was younger i had my share of parents being out of town for weeks and i'm left to fend for my own good, but i was never emotionally alone. Not then, and not a day ago. I avoid it all. I throw myself into make believe adventures, forcing every inch of me to be part of a group, to be part of the moving force of the society that distaste the idea of any emotional entanglement. And many moons i've successfully tricked myself this way. I'll jump right in the middle of a merry go round of midnight parties, and unannounced sleepovers where i would wake up on foreign couch not knowing where or why i am there. And before you throw in the whole conclusion that i'm a worthless twat with little to no hands on experience as a living and breathing citizen of adulthood, let me explain myself. I recently step into the realm of my thirties, geared with a few good mates that share the same enthusiasm for tequila shots, as i braved the blizzard of social standards and hand me down obligations. I have a good job that pays for all my weekly binge on clothing, fancy hair cuts, happy fives and top shelves liquor. You can say i'm blessed. Then one day, i decided to quit my job and voluntarily jump right back into the jaws of freelancing. I knew what i was up against. I prep enough to last me a winter of jobless despair and slow paymaster. I park enough favors to keep me going. But what i didn't foresee in my bullet proof plan for the future is the hollow feeling that i'll be embracing it all by myself. Suddenly every way i look, looks back at me. Doors wide open. Opportunities throwing it selves on me. And the endless possibilities of doing something else, something more lurking at every heartbeat. 

Like a fork on the road, i'm lost.