New Year Resolution (s)

New Year Resolutions. I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I'm guessing as the sun travels along its remaining route to a complete circle, the inner kiasu in me is desperately seeking to find that one thing that would make my living more worth it than a passing roadkill. Perhaps its the joy of playing god herself and putting things into perspective that makes me enjoy making up resolutions more than anything. Who wouldn't pass that single opportunity of getting the perfect life every god damn living, breathing human being ever dreamt off? *sorry, that last pint of heineken is making me dramatic*

New Year Resolutions comes in many different form, thoughts and handwritings. Some hope to be a healthier being, others want to be more socially involved and the rest would range from getting that dream car to marrying that childhood sweetheart. My resolutions has always been side tracked, within the box and some what on a shallow level, to say the least. When i was living alone in jakarta a good eight years ago, my resolution was to be home more often. Then there was a year when i was working in a dead end job, i hope that the new year would bring more opportunities for me to travel aboard for work. Subsequently, i quit the following month and spent the next year shooting across eqypt, shanghai and istanbul. I was lucky. Last year my resolution was to be a better son, to be a better provider for my parents. Both of 'em aren't getting any younger, and i hate to see them worry about the family and me in particular. They should be out strolling through the ruins of guangzhou, enjoying the breeze up on the great wall and have a foot massage in downtown bangkok. All of which i managed to give them with the help from my sister. Next year, australia is up on the travel plans, and i'm praying dear god that the money exchange won't kill me.

This year i have a more self-induged, totally-me-and-only-me resolution; i hope the following year will be the year i find myself. Dramatic, much? Yes. But not many of us are blessed with that clear conscience of knowing what the hell is our mission on earth is, and getting that shit sorted. I never got on that boat. Its always been me trying to be whatever is on today's menu and blending in to the background music unnoticed and totally anonymous. But all this will hopefully change in a months time. I want to know me. And i want that me to be heard, to be broadcast and to be reckon as someone not be missed. I want to be the moët among the beers, the karim rashid amidst the ikeas and definitely the glitter in the air. Shallow? Yes. Downright nonsense? Of course. But at least i try. At least, i try to be me in your face and not just a mole on a regular arse.

I'm a sucker for a brand new start.

Word

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you // Frida Kahlo

One August Afternoon

Holding hands. Sweaty palms. My eyes dart furiously at all corners of the movie screen, trying my tyrant best to get a focus point right between the hero's eye, while questioning the lack of air in this theatre. Profanity escape merciless in bite size as i curse in silence my wise decision of putting on this brand new skinnies, knowing well enough that i would over eat my steak and mash at dinner. Now the thought of unbuttoning it swim across my forehead like an ailing harry potter fighting to get the image of voldermort bathing in the river of the dark forest out of his head. Holding my breath, i move a hairline away from the sunken depth of the seat, only to trigger the eject button from his hand and here on i sat, in my own seat, with my own hands to myself, sulking into the echo of the theatre. That instinctively mark the end of my otherwise perfect date, and him in that department. And many weeks after that, i replay the scenario scene by scene in the vanity of my wake, dissecting every heartbeat of the date, searching in vain the answer to my misery; The rain pour at my parade.

Troubled thoughts. Sleepless nights. I begun to question the existence of a storybook ending, and the myth behind the rumoured happily ever after. I read that every happiness in this lifetime, is a result from a scarify done in the last. Every smile, hides the hard work of a million sorrows. Every push, is a pull from the other end. And the more i dwell into the spectrum of believing that there is someone out there for every one in the room, the more i become skeptical of its principal. Perhaps its time to wake up and know that there really isn't enough hope laying around for the new thirties anymore. The inevitable has dawned on the party of the single-hood. The apocalypse predicted in the mayan's prophecy might actually echo to mankind and its relationship, and not the planet-crashing/rise-of-the-demented-black-wolf-from-hell's-mouth theory that we are force to believe in. I hit a dead end.

Cloudy days. Rainy nights. The universe i had set out to conquer no longer exist. The paradise i dreamt is merely a patch of grass by the prairie. 

Consequences

There are many decisions in life that we have taken up not knowing the consequences that lies sneakingly behind it. And this consequences we must live for we will not let it ruin the sparkle in our stars, and perish the glow we had on our path. There's a thin line between going the distance, and letting it go when fear engulf us into its arm. But we must remember, it is this fear that we must keep our spirit high, and fight for what we believe in and keep going forward for its the only route that is worthy of taking. Cowardice is not an answer, and do not let fear be the fuel of it.

Decisions

I guess everyone is alone at some point in their lives. Its the part and parcel that comes with being born, alongside the trust fund of responsibilities that get thrown at you on your seventeenth birthday. I was never truly alone until now. I mean, ya when i was younger i had my share of parents being out of town for weeks and i'm left to fend for my own good, but i was never emotionally alone. Not then, and not a day ago. I avoid it all. I throw myself into make believe adventures, forcing every inch of me to be part of a group, to be part of the moving force of the society that distaste the idea of any emotional entanglement. And many moons i've successfully tricked myself this way. I'll jump right in the middle of a merry go round of midnight parties, and unannounced sleepovers where i would wake up on foreign couch not knowing where or why i am there. And before you throw in the whole conclusion that i'm a worthless twat with little to no hands on experience as a living and breathing citizen of adulthood, let me explain myself. I recently step into the realm of my thirties, geared with a few good mates that share the same enthusiasm for tequila shots, as i braved the blizzard of social standards and hand me down obligations. I have a good job that pays for all my weekly binge on clothing, fancy hair cuts, happy fives and top shelves liquor. You can say i'm blessed. Then one day, i decided to quit my job and voluntarily jump right back into the jaws of freelancing. I knew what i was up against. I prep enough to last me a winter of jobless despair and slow paymaster. I park enough favors to keep me going. But what i didn't foresee in my bullet proof plan for the future is the hollow feeling that i'll be embracing it all by myself. Suddenly every way i look, looks back at me. Doors wide open. Opportunities throwing it selves on me. And the endless possibilities of doing something else, something more lurking at every heartbeat. 

Like a fork on the road, i'm lost.