10th December 2011

A part of me die knowing that you're suffering, and there's nothing i could do that the pills can't. I now remember why i hate december so much. I lose a little bit of you every time december comes around, and i don't know how much more i will have left of your every time. They say it will be over soon and that it will only get better, but the truth is, it never does. It never goes away. Or gets better. They sedate you so much that half the time you are either not yourself or asleep, and when you do fight it and comes around, its only a night long before i have to give you back to the meds.

Its been awhile now since you came back to visit me. Please come home, and stay home. And don't ever leave me cause this little boy still wants his ma to be around.

the Painless Wound | Day 07

24th February 2007, Saturday By eight in the morning, danny found himself waiting in line at a public hospital recommended by his family doctor. His mum's condition has worsen thru the course of the night. Tossing and turning restlessly, she hardly slept last night. Due to the lack of sleep, she starts to speak irrelevantly, jumping from one topic to another within a sentence. Sometimes uttering words that doesn't makes any sense at all. It's heart shattering for danny to see her like that. That was the reason danny is standing in line this morning.

Did you know that waiting is essential while visiting a public hospital. It's like part of the government etiquette. I mean, why does it takes half an hour to wait for your turn at the registration counter at eight in the morning with only two other person in queue? So long meh to write a few name and phone numbers? Staff at this public hospital have practice waiting effectively. Danny is impressed, 'well done. may the downfall begun!' note to reader | bitchy mode alert

The consultation room #11 at the emergency hall is located at the furthest corner. I wouldn't call it a consultation room, it's more like a green torture chamber. Every bit of details in that room is in vomit green, from the wall to the floor, bed sheets to pillow cases, even the door knobs are green! Besides the unusual padded wall and the single restrainer (yes, those similar to the cops), the only other furniture there are a movable bed and a single chair.

Once again danny waited. This time for a dreadful and uneventful six long hours. The bomb came at two in the afternoon, danny's mum have to be warded. The doctor says she has bipolar, and needs to carry out more test on her. Danny doesn't understand why must she be admitted? Why is danny restricted to only four visiting hours per day to see his mum? What if she gets lonley at night? What is he gonna do with the rest of the twenty hours without his mum? It's like taking away his limb and asking him to run a mile. Cruel. Mean and inhuman.

Will danny's mum be well soon?

the Painless Wound | Day 02

19th February 2007, Monday Today's breakfast danny ate with tears. What normally would be a joyous day for most chinese family is a far cry from the reality that falls upon them. The new year have been unkind to them.

This morning he woke up at three to the sound of his mum waking up. She is restless. He guess the pill she took yesterday has wear off. He doubt she recall what has happen the other day and he hope dearly that she doesn't. He only wish she would get well soon. He miss his mum.

At noon, he caught himself crying in silence from inside his room. He realized she haven't gotten any better. He told himself that he need to be strong and this is just a passing phase. It will all go away like a bad dream on a rainy day. Taking a deep breath he step out of the room. Once outside he could hear his mum's light hum. She's humming to the song playing on the tele. He recognized the song immediately. It was by her favourite singer, Alan Tam. He cried. Not wanting her to see him like this, he took the towel behind the door and casually told her that he's going to take a shower. The tears that flows down after that failed to wash away the sorrows that he has inside him. He's trembling. Not from the cold water, but from his heart. He can't stand seeing his mum like this. He wants to help her. He wants her to be okay. He pray every second of the day that his mum would be well again. He really miss his mum.

For danny, chinese new year wouldn't be the same again after this.

note : formerly known as, A distant dream | Danny