The Perfect Getup For A Day At The Cemetery

With the season of ching ming well on its way, its only logical that we gear ourselves with the ultimate survival outfit that would guaranteed to fought all mortal evils at the cemetery (aka the pushy ah soh fighting for a spot to 'chap' her three hundred sticks of joysticks) and make it thru the day without any trace of sweaty armpits and mud stained trousers. Remember, its all about being glamorous while doing the miniscule of things, without compromising ones well being in the social ladder. Anyhoo, back to the business at hand, the utmost important must-have would be the uv protected all round big ass sunglasses that should never, never leave ones face upon arriving at the cemetery's parking lot. And with the ozone layer thinning away quicker than bragelina can adopt another third world child to be their own (hate her and all her lips with the power of a thousand sun), its only wise to slap on a good measure of sunscreen all over, to avoid looking like a half-baked puerto rican. I recommend carrying one of those travel size ones for easy access. Now, the third thing on the list would be the ideal shoe. Military boots would be perfect for an occasion like this, seeing that its been raining religiously every evening, it makes tracking thru the cemetery hunting for your gram’s grave easier. Also, the whole saving-private-ryan-look is very becoming this season, flaunting thru many runways for spring 2010, which i'm sure even the ever divine uncle karl of chanel heaven would approve. And for the rest of the outfit, it should consist of an old beat up pair of skinnies to maximize keeping mud at bay, and some random cotton round necks of your choice. Try not to look too fancy to avoid looking like you're actually enjoying yourself at the cemetery coz' that would be just sad, but not too shabby also to be mistaken as a member of the decease. Opt for colors that are of the earth tone hues like dried-up-mud beige, not-enough-chlorophyll green or tombstone grey to heighten the whole military look at its best. With all these in gear, it’s a surefire that you'll be burning joystick in style before you know it!

Remember, you can always stay religious without looking like a monk. Like how paris hilton would put it, 'Dress cute wherever you go, life is too short to blend in'

Au revoir!

Texts from HELL!!

I was spring cleaning my mobile for the new year (i know, this post is three months late!!), when i came across truck loads of the shiteous texts EVER from my good-for-nothing friends. Idle hands are truly evil workshop!

'Fuck You'
* from Office Bitch, 9 Dec '08

'Alas, my frail self has succumb to this wretched illness. And it has reduced me to nothing more than a menial vegetable, unable to move. So here i will lay, confined by these four walls as i await for the help to return with the good doctor. I pray you have a good day'
* from Lady Yessica, 18 Dec '08

'What sweet words from your courteous yet humble self, dear mr wanna, great knight of the faggotary puff. I will be looking forward to seeing you tonight at the grand ball'
* from Lady Yessica, 20 Dec '08

'My vijayjay does suction tricks with my boyfriend and he loves it'
* from Drama Queen, 21 Dec '08

'Fact of the matter is you'll hate to lose a lifetime of free rides'
* from Drama Queen, 28th Dec '08, in regards to my endless pursuit to get a driving license.

'Ayam kambing bag'
* from Michelle, 21st April '09

'Talk to me, leave me alone!'
* from Soo, 3rd May '09. I have no idea what drove him to texting me such nonsense.

'Hello and how is our fine sexay mama of exotic proportions doing on this equally fine and sexay steamy hot saturday afternoon? Surely you must be basking yourself in your exquisite godliness. It has been moons since i've the luxury of experiencing your intense godlike aura'
* from Lady Yessica, 30th May '09

'I looove u too? Has your sperm been going anywhere worthy? Tissues? Datuks hands? Bathroom walls? Miss u bitch!'
* from Code Name Candy, 18th Aug '09

'Did your face get scratched? Are you ugly?'
* from Code Name Candy, 22nd Aug '09, in regards to my air bag explosion tragedy on a highway.

'Sorry i know i should care... but i am so busy with my big huge giant job. If u start drooling, get blur vision or think for a second you are a man, please hospitalize yourself...PETA have free rooms'
* from Code Name Candy, 22nd Aug '09, in regards to my air bag explosion tragedy on a highway.

'Hey you... I have a gift for you. It's my number! Ta-Da! Do you like it? :P'
* from Dave, The Barbarian, 30th Aug '09

'Whenever I have any free time I shall give a random woman a visit'
* from Lord Jesus, 5th Oct '09. Never mind him. He's generally a slut.

'Oh my god, i'm so excited! She's actually not in the same standings as a bangla anymore hahaha'
* from Hamtaro, 10th Nov '09, in regards to lady yessica getting her identification card done after many many years of losing it.

'And now, if she's ever caught by police and has to do naked squats in prison, at least she has rights to go complaining to MCA. Last time, no ic cannots!'
* from Hamtaro, 10th Nov '09, in regards to lady yessica getting her identification card done after many many years of losing it.

'I also think the brands chicken thing is good for me. Look at how much booze i can consume today'
* from Lady Yessica, 11th Nov '09

And yes, i was a blondie for a day. Couldn't handle all the fun that came with the shade :P

Farewell Two Thousand Nine!!

I'm about to finish work for two thousand nine. And from where i am now, in my hotel suite in freezing shanghai, hours away from the unfriendly meeting room at hangzhou, i really can't wait for the holidays to begin. It’s been a long dreadful day of bumpy highway rides, freezing walkways, rude mandarin speaking clients and steamy taiwanese sausages. But I'm super glad that the meeting went perfectly fine, which is always a good news, and after a quick recap with the bangkok team, so that they too could cool off the steam and enjoy the holidays, i'll be officially off work for the year. Finally.

And across the room on her messed up bed, Lady Yessica is busy flaunting her purchases to me in between my emails, going on and on about her clever bargains and impulsive steals. Haha. Glad she's having fun. Tomorrow we'll be wandering the streets of shanghai in our foxy winter gears, having a xiao long pau feast, invading the land of faux goods and hopefully we'll bump into a concubine or two in between all that :)

So, here's a sweet goodbye to two thousand nine and let's hope that two thousand ten would be ecstatically better for all of us. No arguments. No fights. Just heaps of love and endless peace all around. God bless.

its snowwwing!!

*think warm* *think warm* arghhhh

alcoholics unite :)

even michael did a cameo

hairy new year!

Twenty Twelve

I just got home from watching twenty twelve. Had a couple of aspirin over the tap. Down whatever balance of gin i could get hold of in my secret stash deep in my cabinet, and after a few quick minutes of waiting for the heartbeat to sink, i sat down on my desk and blurted out unremorsely onto my mac..

Gosh! I had somehow discover in the horriblest fashion possibly known to human being, why i have always hated watching year end blockbusters so much. You know, those december flicks that commonly center around that one particular topic; the end of the world/armageddon/apocalypse/, as repeated in bruce willis's armageddon, keanu reeves's the day the earth stood still and will smith's i am legend.

I realized i'll instantly develop a stream of panic attacks just thirty minutes into the movie, and for the rest of the two and a half hours, i'll managed to chewed three quarter of my nails off, while my heart beat makes a trip over the ecg monitor and dive straight into a minor heart attack. Totally not my ideal way of spending my hard earn eleven bucks. I would prefer poking my eyes a hundred millions time than sitting thru the last three hours that i just had.

But drama queen moments aside though, twenty twelve was remarkably well cg-ed from where i seat. It makes transformer looking like a back seat pussy. The cast line up was very well ensemble, which shows you do not need 'the-brad-and-angelina' cast to pull the rating of a movie. *I hate that bitch by the way.

Lesson learned from twenty twelve;

• Need to relocate to Africa coz' its safer there. But try to avoid johannesburg or district nine specifically.
• Take flying lesson and preferably on planes with multiple engines.
• Carries sleeping pills with me at ALL time, so that i could easily pop one and zoned out when disaster comes. I'm a pussy like that.
• And i so need to a date a tibetan monk. Although I do wonder, where do they hang out? Oh, can one actually date a monk? Maybe tibetans are more lenient.

i'm so gonna be hanging out in temples...

Pledge This!

I'm working on a pledge to stop drinking...at least till the end of the month. Coz' little did i realized, i've been on a drinking binge for a while now and i doubt it's doing much good to my liver. I'm not even sure if there's any liver left in me after all those booze. So yes, i am refraining myself from the flirtatious holler of any intoxicating drinks, be it wine, tequila, champagne or my current fav, martini. It would be tough but if i plan to suffer at old age, i should at least try to live long enough. I owe myself that much.

So, step one in doing so is to ditch all my alcoholic fiends. There isn't much point in reasoning with them about not engaging in their nightly alcohol worshipping, coz' that would be as impossible as asking madonna to quit gym. So the best is to totally just ditch them. It’s less hazardous that way. They need to know i'm a reform man, who needs to make a living with his life on loan from god. Oh gawd! Who am i kidding here? Me, a man? Jeez...

So boys and girls and transvestite alike, stop inviting me over for a boozy tête-à-tête. You got to leave your kitchen sink melodramas to someone else, coz' frankly, this gay boy of yours can't handle his drinks anymore.

Eddie, the seksi dancer and his demons :P

P/s: You do know this is purely fiction and i'll probably be hitting back tequila shots in another two hours, rite? :P

A Toast To Singleton!!

I think i have grown to acknowledge that i am doom to singleton foreva (no. not the scotch whisky but rather a term that me and sister bliss have brew up for single ladies like us). Anyhow, yes, i think i'm not built for relationship. And the longer i stay single, the more i crave for extra down time to be alone and not be disturbed by the echo of a relationship. I sure sound like a party popper for all you lovebirds reading my blogs, but hey, i'm just saying that i'm sure some people are just meant to be single. And hooray for me, i'm holding onto one of the golden ticket, for i doubt i'll ever let myself be thrown into the submissive void i give birth to every time i find myself in a relationship. I don't ever want to revisit the la la land of compromise only because the code of relationship dictates so. I'll stick with subtle whoring for now, thank you very much!

But mind you, just so it’s clear, i am not the least jaded about love. I am a true believer of prince charming and his bloody white horse. And i worshipped the whole she bang bang that mills and boon are based on. All i'm saying is that, we do not need to be in a relationship just because we are in love. But then again, i don't really support open relationship either, coz' that was what effed up my last relationship… oh well, i'm just confuse then. As usual. And i'm psycho babbling about it here. So, just kindly ignore me and go google something. Anything.

Hola!

I'm feeling like a stranger on my own blog. Weird.

Before and after. And after after.

I have officially turned into a photoshop junkie. I need rehab.

Like how lilmissmei would say it, 'ngor leng moh?'

Dodge, Burn and Sponge!

As usual, i took a stroll with my trusted photoshop one fine morning, while waiting for the contractor to waste more of my time with the renovations, when i came across the little buttons of dodge, burn and sponge. And boy, was i giddy in puberty rush! I even did a little victory dance to me-self :)

Although, i’m quite sure the overworked cement boy who’s been eyeing me, is wondering why in gods name is the himbo doing the mummy limbo at the stairway all by himself. And i bet he’s probably cursing too for having to leave his dainty sulawesi village to work with a weirdo who spends wayyy too much time on his mac and not enough at the hairdresser. Fyi, i so need a haircut. Anyone who has seen me these days prolly thinks i’m looking a lot like chaka khan, minus the hippo face, that is.

Pardon me language. I’m vulgar like that.

The visual before, and...

the cause of the shameless dance :D

Mr Jennifer's Body

Sorry mister boss...i was REALLY bored.